Courtney I hope you’re happy

Hiiii

It has come to (too many) peoples attention that I haven’t blogged or posted in a minute. I want to say - thanks for holding me accountable on this. It’s important I write, truly, it’s so healing I love it so much. 

I have been in my feelings, I can share them with you for sure, now I’ve lived with them a little and processed them, but it’s been really easy previously to drown myself in work and scrolling and posting-for-postings-sake and not processing, so I’m just taking some time. 

If you’ve been here before you’ll know I got my CPAP machine, I hit the ground running with that, and life has felt easier. Mornings have felt lighter. I’ve had more energy, and been less stressed. I started acupuncture, something I NEVERRRRR thought I would do lmfao, but I realised I wasn’t scared of needles when I was tattooing up my body so how dare I be scared of needles now that its something that could benefit me? And imagine IT DIDN’T EVEN HURT! I felt so much better after and I’m doing weekly sessions now, apparently it’s going to help with my Fibroid situation - I’ll let you know how I get on. 

I also started seeing my Naturopathic Practitioner again, I haven’t been to her in ten years which is wild, not sure why I neglected myself for that long but it’s cool I am back. My original practitioner was fully booked till December so I saw someone else, (the loveliest woman ever) I told her my issues and she asked me about my diet. I told her I am pescatarian and my diet is fish and prawns and lobster. She did my intolerance test to work out what is irking my body so badly all the time, and asked me (in the sweetest way possible) if I could ‘hold off on eating seafood for a while’ because ‘the test is showing that your body doesn’t actually like it’. I cried in her chair I truly did. I’m not sure if that was because I was sad I wouldn’t be able to go to Burger and Lobster for a few weeks or if it was from relief that maybe if I take that out my diet I’ll feel much better… but my eyes did well up and I did get a lil emotional. I think it was relief tbh, defo relief. 

I now have a Continuous Glucose Monitor to install into my arm so I can see which items cause my sugar spike issues,  so I’m starting that today, but again - needles. Why does everything involve me having to prick myself??? Pricks. 

Speaking of ‘health’ and ‘not writing for a while’, I am going to dedicate a blog post to honouring the life of Mel Rudder, but I’m still in the process of writing it. It’s so strange cause even though I knew she was poorly, I didn’t expect her to actually pass away. A woman so full of life, so irreplaceable, a true anomaly. You just think Gods going to be like ‘wait, I can’t take this one, the people need her’ and just allow it, init? But then he didn’t and that’s heartbreaking and confusing. Urgh, let me save it for the full blogpost, but honestly broken that life can be so cruel to someone so kind and wonderful and important to us.  

Social Media I’m having a funny time with, I always have a funny time with this cause for example Mels passing, the awful situation and loss of life with the Ghetts situation, Hurricane Mellissa happening… and I have a scroll and people are going about their everyday lives or commentating bullshit about things and I just feel exhausted and like I don’t want to be a part of the echo-chamber wid it, like if I can’t DO SOMETHING, I would just rather shut up about it, y’know? But I’m also beating myself up about it a bit cause I was on such a consistent streak last month of posting both on IG and Tik Tok and I really wanted to stay consistent and keep it going but I just read the room man, and it didn’t feel appropriate. 

Mum life has been DIFFICULT. My son isn’t talking to me at the moment, it’s been up and down for about three weeks, it’s because I have put a ‘screens ban’ on him, because he came home one day and started calling me ‘bro’ and his attitude was just getting stinky, slam dunking other kids at youth club, some mad entitlement that ‘I need my phone’ (for what, no-one calls you, you’re nine?) and just like the drama that would kick off whenever I said it was time to turn off the PS5, it was too much! So I did the ban, but he’s not taking it well. I’ve put in place tutoring on weekdays and Martial Arts and more Piano lessons so he’ll be so busy after school he (hopefully) won’t think about screens, but we’ll see how it goes. I dunno man there’s no parent guidebook for things like this, so I’m just doing the best I can, but I hope he speaks to me soon, he came home yesterday and didn’t even want to give me a cuddle, it broke my heart I’ll be real kmt. 

I don’t think I’ve written here yet about my Person, probably because it feels like dangerous territory, but I’m like deeeeeeep in. I’m down badddd. You know the sick-to-your-stomach, giddy, lightheaded, constant butterflies, think-about-you-all-day type down-bad? Yeah that’s been me this year. I need to snap out of it, but I’m just a lovergurl mannnnn. 

The Scorpio/ Avoidant / South Londoner in me does try to ruin it every other working day and run for the hills because WHAT IS THIS LOVE?! And I nearly ruined things and locked things off and started seeing someone else (I know, I am a fool, I was in my feels - low me pls) but I rannnnn back, I was on my knees, (not literally) but I had some apologising and ‘I was wrongs’ to do there, which was humbling for the Scorpio side and absolutely awful, but a necessary evil. 

Hateeeee it for myself. I need to STAND UP. 

Kali Claire is getting me through it, with her latest album ‘How I Feel’, in particular ‘Love On Credit’ and ‘Fever’, are SAVING MY LIFE. They’re on repeat at work, in the gym, in the car, everywhere. I can’t wait for people to understand that after Raye, her pen game is THE NEXT MOST SERIOUS. It’s taking everyone madddd long to catch up, I dunno what’s the reason?!

There isn’t anything I can say about work cause crazy things are happening. I’m still processing it all and not allowed to talk about it at all, so I’ll update you on that when I’m able. 

Ermmm what else is happening, oh yeah I went through a moment of reflection on my friendships (I was redoing my Will) The three main people in my Will are people I had been locked in with for 10+ years, but fell out with in the last 5 years. I’m a proper ‘crack on with my life’ type person, like, it is what it is. But having to do the physical act of removing them from my Will, putting new people in (and paying £500.00 to make the change) felt so final, and had me in reflection mode about those relationships and whether it was really necessary for those friendships to end. But the answer was YES, ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY, YOU LOT TAKE MY FUCKING KINDNESS FOR WEAKNESS TOO DAMN MUCH AND YOU DON’T GET TO BE IN MY SPACE AGAIN KMT. 

But ye that’s all for now, Courtney I hope you’re happy, but also YOU COULD HAVE JUST CALLED xxxx

P.s if you want to know where I did the Acupuncture / details of the Naturopathic Practitioner, just pop me a message and let me know. Happy to share but I’m not going to post the details on here before I turn up to a session and my stalker is just RIGHT THERE. Ew.