Sleep Apnea




It’s like a betrayal of my body.


It’s like, I’m being asked ‘What’s 2+2’ and I know the answer is there, the answer is so simple, I learned it such a long time ago, but my brain won’t put 2+2 together and the ‘4’ is stuck on the tip of my tongue. 


I take out pen and paper, and I draw out two lines, then another two lines, then I count them one by one, and I make 4. Now I’m frustrated at myself. Cause of course it’s ‘4’. It isn’t difficult, I know there was a simpler way than the method that got me there (which is me just knowing what 2+2 is, as I would on any given other day) but my brain couldn’t pull it all together and I’m mad at it.


That’s life for me the past couple of years, and the brain fog is only one part of it. The tiredness, the actual falling asleep while people are talking to me, the waking up feeling absolutely shattered, the making-sure-my-Apple-Watch-is-charged-incase-I-stop-breathing-for-too-long - those are some of the other parts; and I hate them all.


The NHS saw me in October 2024, my follow up appointment is in September 2025. I am struggling between now and then, truly. And I get in situations every single day that I know are driven by my lack of sleep and in turn lack of focus. 


At the beginning of this month I shut everything down. I’m sick of everyone asking ‘What’s happening with this thing-you-were-doing, what’s happening with that thing-you-were-doing, why don’t you just do this? why don’t you just do that?’. It’s like I KNOWWWWWWWW. I know okay? But my brain can’t pull it all together, and you’re stressing me out with your questions, and putting a pressure on me to be the me that used to be able to pull it all together without a second thought. I am not that me right now. 


Manga has Apnea. He told me life becomes 100% better, and focus goes back to 100% better when you get your CPAP Machine. I’ve got to wait till September, and pray I get mine. 


In the meantime my circle is getting smaller and smaller, while I centre the people who get it and give me grace. Especially when I go offline, or wonder off to get my head together. Special shout out to Alexandra actually, cause the way I keep falling asleep on the phone has got to be frustrating lmfaooooo, sorry man. 


I don’t want anyone to be offended, I know people are pushing me and encouraging me because they love me. And I love them too **thug tears**, but moretime, my brain is foggy unless I’m in water (which is interesting and also needs to be studied). But I can’t sit in the spa/shower every moment of everyday to get brain space (as much as I would capital L LOVE too, so until September I beg you allow me, looool - please. 


That’s all. 


I guess there should have been/ should be a ‘why i’ve started blogging again’ page to kick things off, but this is my blog and you can’t tell me what to do and what order to do it in so I will do that another day YADIGGGGG <3 


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