It's not an ick.

I often wonder how I could be so nonchalant. How something could happen and I could withdraw so easily, like literally go silent, then take a day to myself to process my emotions on it, really think it through, live with my feelings on it, be miserable about it (if required), and then decide not to engage. Like make a really active decision and then stand on it.

People would wonder too, it would wind up those involved, constant “let’s talk about it” and “how can you be like that” conversations, always as though it was a bad thing that I refuse to be reactive about whatever ‘it’ is. And I always listen, I always consider these conversations, I always wonder ‘would/should I say something? have the convo? rip the band aid off?’ and 9 times out of 10 I would always conclude the same thing - No.

People will tell you that it’s an ick or it’s wrong or it stems from some sort of trauma, but I’ve really learned myself (still learning) and in previous situations I’ve either been too quick to process my first emotion (hurt/rage etc) and act negatively on it (big scorpio over here), or I’ve been quick to say ‘it’s okay’ or forgive, then later, after truly processing the situation, feel like it’s not okay, but then how do you go back and say ‘Sorry I know I said it was okay and we moved past it, but actually it’s not okay’?

For ages I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, and maybe I was cold hearted or a bitch, but like Jim Legxacy said… “if you wanna be a bitch then it’s okay” loooooool. Nah but seriously, I wondered if I needed therapy or if I maybe had some deep down issue but the truth is… there’s no issue. 

I take the time, I take the space, I live with the feeling, really truly live with it, and I conclude that A) I don’t like it & B) I do not want that feeling again for myself. And I step away from the possibility of it happening again. 

There’s nothing wrong with that. It equals a good feeling inside that I have protected my peace. If I just shut down immediately and cracked on I think that would be different. Dismissive and actually quite rude. But in the times I’ve withdrawn, I’ve been honest with myself and accepted that what’s happened isn’t okay, I’ve allowed myself to feel the pain (however big or small) I’ve sat with it - and I’ve moved on from it, and that’s okay.

People are not entitled to access to you after they have wronged you. You don’t owe them that.

I’ve also noticed a pattern. When someone does you wrong, they want to address it, or for you to address it, to talk about it, maybe they’ll even apologies for it - but it’s not for you. That part is to relinquish their own guilt. The conversation is an opportunity for them to justify the “why” they hurt you, “why” they did you wrong. There’s no consideration for the fact they may be forcing you to relive it. Or for you already concluding you’re done with it. Or for the simple fact that they knew what they was doing - but just didn’t expect you to clock their shit. They just want a chance to put their own demons to bed on it, at your expense. 

People can give their thoughts and opinions on your boundaries for sure, but no one can tell you any different, especially if it didn’t happen to them. 

So no, your coping mechanisms are not an ick, not everything needs to be addressed, especially when deep down you know that some things are not fixable. 

I read recently that “Once you stop lying to yourself about what this is, you’ll finally be able to set a boundary that is embodied”. For me - it helped. 

Hope it helps you too

xxx